I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
