Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My life is pants optional.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
