you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
