You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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