two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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