Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
