Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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