your parents love me but you hate me
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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