remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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