Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
