I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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