He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
