What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
