I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
