He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
