mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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