i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i wish my penis had a tongue
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
