I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I have already put on my inside pants.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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