i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's blow job season.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
