whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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