this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
