If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
