Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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