I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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