Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
