so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
