Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
