I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
