God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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