I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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