Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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