No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
