Swine flu. Run for my life!
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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