i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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