The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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