You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
