do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
