she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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