do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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