you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
