There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Someone shattered a urinal.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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