My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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