she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
