i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
