Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
