I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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