all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
