I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
