My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
