She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
