Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
