Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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