dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
