I accidentally had phone sex last night
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
