im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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