I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize