so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
